Wrong Ways to Make Children Cooperate

by Betsy Hart, Scripps Howard News Service, (nationally syndicated column, 12/16/96)

Recently, the ABC evening news aired a segment on child-rearing under its "solutions" program. The problem was kids out of control. The segment featured a little one who apparently spent most of her day screaming. At her parents, her siblings . . . you name it.

The parents said they had tried everything to end the tantrums — and nothing worked. "Solutions" to the rescue.

ABC chronicled this family as it went through weeks of a new therapy that’s all the rage in child-rearing circles: teaching parents to change their own behavior, not their child’s. Specifically, explained the reporter, this philosophy instructs parents to reward good behavior and "always ignore bad behavior unless it’s dangerous." And, when possible, fawn over the object of the child’s misbehavior so the child sees what he’s done doesn’t get him anywhere.

For example, a little boy hits his sister. He’s not punished; he’s ignored. Meanwhile, she’s fussed over. Hmm, he thinks, his naughtiness didn’t produce results. Voila! Better behavior.

Apparently, this often works. Many children simply learn to go with where the rewards and attention are. But this very success is frightening to me because of the fundamental lesson it teaches kids — that there is no right and wrong, only "What gets me what I want" and "What doesn’t get me what I want."

Under this philosophy, when a little boy deliberately takes his sister’s favorite toy away from her, does he learn by being appropriately punished then corrected that this behavior is wrong, or unkind, or selfish? No. He does not learn the behavior is bad, only that it’s not a good tool for manipulating people and getting what he wants.

The child may have his behavior modified for a time. But his heart has learned the wrong lesson for a lifetime.

Basic behavior modification is the goal of man parenting books today. They refer to outward actions, and teaching parents how to manipulate their children. Yes, the books often pay lip service to good character. But they are rife with suggestions on cajoling or distracting a child out of a temper tantrum; putting M&Ms in a jar for him each time he complies with a parental directive; or giving him certain privileges for going a required number of hours without saying anything mean to his sister.

Unfortunately, these methods often have one thing in common. They train the child in greed and selfishness.

Tedd Tripp, author of the very different Shepherding a Child’s Heart, puts it this way: "The expediency of dealing with behavior rather than the heart means that deep needs within the child are ignored. You can’t respond to Suzie yelling at Jimmy by simply telling her to stop yelling. [Because] the problem is the anger and bitterness in her heart that her yelling expresses. If you only try to change the behavior, you are missing the real issue — her heart."

How profound and rare those words are today. Of course, rewards and praise are important, and should be used liberally with our children. But appropriate punishment for wrongdoing is just as important. Not only when bad behavior is physically dangerous, but because bad behavior is always dangerous to the child’s heart.

Punishment, which is part of the larger picture of discipline, may take many forms. I think that for younger children a judicious, controlled spanking is often appropriate. But whatever the practice, it must be obvious it is an unpleasant response to the wrongdoing, and is being administered because of the wrongdoing per se.

Most important, there must be communication — observing and listening to the child and then teaching him about the tendencies of his heart, his weaknesses and strengths, always instructing, correcting, teaching and encouraging toward that which is good and right for its own sake. Not just toward that which will get the child a coveted reward and give the parents some peace and quiet.

There is much more to this "shepherding" approach than can be developed here. It certainly is different than what popular culture teaches.

And as Tripp notes, the cost to parents is enormous in terms of physical and emotional energy. But the reward is winning the war on the most important battlefield there is — a child’s heart.